This morning I read a blog from another writer. I know her, and some of the things she’s experienced in the more “social” part of the fat community, none of which are particularly good. She’s had some experience with the sub group within the community called feeders (See “Feeding Everyone A Line Of Crap, Pt. 1”).
So, at the beginning of her blog, she makes the following statement:
I am so sick and tired of these fat fetish feeders. They all need to jump off a bridge then burn in hell. They have nothing of value to offer a woman other than a quicker death by weight.. You can do bad all by yourself. You don’t need some douche bag who wants to control you by feeding you to certain death. Once they get you so fat you can’t walk, wash yourself, wipe your own ass, cook, clean, drive then they abuse you. After the abuse they leave you in disgust to fend for yourself but you no longer can do anything for yourself. These men are the anti Christ and the devil himself all wrapped into one ball of evil mental illness. A fat person with a feeder is like the crack head dating the crack dealer. Watching me eat gets you hard then you can’t have sex anyway because the moment you get near a real vagina you go limp. Pathetic is what you truly are. Sad, sick and pathetic. Keep out of my path feeders or I will run you over in my big truck and not look back.
Strong stuff, eh? She goes on about a specific guy who body shamed her because she had WLS, and has trolled her everywhere on the net, in an attempt to goad her back to her old “fighting” weight.
Like any diligent blogger who promotes their blogs, she went to some of the forums and posted the link to the blog. One of the forums was Dimensions, which has its own share of feeders, inflators, vores, lactation specialists, and other preferences that many would consider fetishes. As explained in previous blogs, I have no issue with people in the feeder community based on their activities. My issue with feeders is that they’re like vegans, making sure the entire world knows about what they do. I think that in a world that is still getting used to fat people coexisting with average and thin people, having people proclaiming how hot it is to feed and be fed makes it harder for size acceptance activists to be perceived as normal, when they’re lumped in with this group.
It seemed that some of the feeder community on the Dimensions website took the “They need to jump off a bridge & burn in hell” comment as dehumanizing, and reacted accordingly. An equal dose of rough comments were directed at the blogger, including:
As one of those ‘fat fetish feeders’ who need to ‘jump off a bridge then burn in hell’ I am guessing my words wont mean anything to you because you seem to view us, and therefore me, as subhuman. Also, those ‘fat fetish’ people you so despise are the ones that paid for you to have that surgery that improved your health and made you feel better about yourself. That you should sling vile insults around and the people that helped make you healthier is the same as insulting your surgeons because they have different opinions to you.
So explain to me why I should feel sorry for you when you’re acting just as messed up and twisted as he is?
I think I know the blogger well enough to understand where a lot of this hatred comes from, and I attempted to explain that isolating one blog without reading & understanding the history of how she came to this (and mind you, I’m not saying that return hate is productive) isn’t fair to the blogger. I had this happen to me several years ago, when I made a post on my Facebook page reporting what a rival had said about NJ Gov. Chris Christie, and so called “friends” reacted as though I’d made the comment, never bothering to read the rest of my post. It was one of the reasons I decided to blog, since a dissection of what I write can’t take place (not here at least).
Anyway, my defense of the blogger was told in allegory, as I’d stated that as a teenager, I was beaten by a black gang after a concert, and had said some horrible things about blacks (including friends of mine), that were obviously misguided, since they were based on one violent, isolated experience. Fortunately, my black friends didn’t distance themselves from me, but helped me get over my issue, even to the point of finding the guys who beat me and helping me get retribution.
I’m pretty sure that the blogger isn’t planning some sort of mass murder of feeders. I also think that her comments, while misguided, are based on at least one and probably more horrible experiences with feeders. Her experiences are valid, at the very least in her eyes.
Of course, I was viewed as someone who was defending a feeder “murderer” and received my own share of criticism:
And there is a huge difference between expressing an opinion and abuse. If you can’t see the difference then I really feel for you and wonder how you function in society as an adult. She can dislike feeders and express that she dislikes them. What she can’t do is type cast an entire group of people and come up with some of the most horrid and vile abuse I have ever had the misfortune of reading in my life.
I happen to be of the opinion that I don’t deserve to be treated with scorn and disdain based solely on what turns me on and what I choose to do with a consenting partner.
In my opinion, my sexual interests are not defined by the most extreme, selfish, and abusive behavior perpetrated by a minority of those who share those sexual interests.
So yes, I think that my opinions with regard to this are ones that really fucking matter, because I don’t accept the attitude that …HER blog proposes, that I am less than human, a horrible creature, and that I do not deserve to live:
I want to make several points based on these comments. First, I do pretty well as an adult, so please don’t feel sorry for me. I work hard at my day job, dabble in another, write several blogs, raise 2 younger kids, have a 27 year old daughter that I’m quite proud of, and sleep well at night because of how I am. While it took me some time to get to a level of inner peace, all of the work was/is worth it.
Many feeders (including the guy who made the second comment, who I happen to think is an honorable guy) seem to think that a minority of people engage in the activities that give feeders a bad name. That seems to be a common lament of some of the people in the feeding community that there’s a handful off feeders that are ruining it for the good guys.
With that said, based on the very common complaint of many who have been on the receiving end of the “bad” feeders and their actions, I can only assume that either:
1. These few people are quite busy in their quest to be the evil feeder, or
2. There are more of these people than you think.
I’m betting on option #2.
Just as important, if you’re one of the good feeders, and you know these people are giving you a bad name, why wouldn’t you make every effort to purge these people from the same community that you profess to love? My guess is that they know it’s a near impossible job, and it’s easier to slam those who criticize the feeder community for how its perceived than to limit those who give the feeders a bad name.
Any time you want to make change, you’re going to make enemies in the process. I’ve endured that since 2010. I can promise you that it isn’t easy. It’s not just sitting behind a keyboard and placing your feelings on a screen, being a “Nowhere Man” (a name given me because I no longer attend BBW bashes & plus sized events). I have nothing to gain financially by pointing out what I see wrong on the inside of the fat community that I used to participate in. I make more enemies than I do friends, because I point out the dirty little secrets about the fetish part of the fat community, and that makes a lot of them uncomfortable. If you’re one of the “good” feeders, flush out the bad ones, and get them removed from the forums you participate in, and the events you attend. You won’t make a lot of friends, but I promise you that you’ll sleep better at night.
I know I do.
The following are not my words, but the salient points made by this lady are sure to cause one to at least think about the practice of feederism as a means of control.
I have known several women whose partners sexually preferred them at a very high weight. A few of them were food addicts, a few of them were dependent on their partners in some way, a few of them were just the type who only lived to keep their man happy. Most of these relationships ended when the woman decided that she was ready to lose weight, or no longer wished to keep gaining. Of the ones that did not end, they became strained. A few of the women accepted a sexless relationship and allowed their partners to turn to porn or actual sexual encounters with other women in order to fulfill their needs.
What is an abusive feeding scenario?
The woman who suffered from a stress and anxiety induced binge eating disorder. I would watch her boyfriend push her emotional buttons until she reached her breaking point and started to binge. She became very unhappy with her weight, and her health started to fail rapidly and in a way that was shocking for a woman of her young age. Her boyfriend told her point blank that if she lost a visibly noticeable amount of weight, he was out the door. And even knowing that she was on the path to an early grave, he still pushed her buttons and triggered her binges.
Then there is the woman who gained to the point of disability and severe health issues. When she said enough was enough, her partner who was loving and devoted to her during the gain, turned cold on her, and started referring to himself publicly as her “housemate” and no longer her “husband”. He also started to openly pursue other fat women while his partner was stuck at home. He found another woman online who was willing to gain, and bailed. Thankfully his partner did not end up in a nursing home and was able to get the resources that would allow her to live as independently as possible.
Then there is the girl who gained for her man, but he didn’t have any patience for the negative consequences of her more desirable weight. I was at a fat event she was present at. She could not physically make the walk from the parking area to the party and there were not seats for her to rest along the way. Instead of standing by her side, her boyfriend left her crying on a bench by the parking area, and went to join the fun.
And the one who gained to the verge of disability, had WLS, was still in love with her husband, but he was no longer interested in having sex with her. He was her first sexual partner and first romantic partner and she was extremely emotionally attached and dependent on him. He would go to fat scene bashes and other events in order to have sex with attendees who were around her highest weight. He was very cruel about it and rubbed her nose in his affairs, saying that she pushed him to it by losing weight. All she wanted was to be able to walk, work, and live a normal lifespan. But he made her feel that she did this thing to him deliberately and maliciously.
I’ve got a friend who is currently in a bad situation regarding weight and a romantic partner. I don’t know if he is a feeder but he is using her weight as a weapon against her. Whenever she sticks to her healthy living plan and loses some weight, he gets really angry and says that she is trying to attract other men. If she persists he turns cold on her in and out of the bedroom to “punish” her. He pushes sweets and other unhealthy food on her, knowing she is a type 2 diabetic. When she gains weight, he ramps up the affection and sex and tells her how much hotter she is and how he “loves her sexy curves”. She goes to the doctor and gets a health scare and starts sticking to her diabetic way of eating and exercise plan again. Some weight comes off, and her boyfriend starts with the berating, sex and affection withholding, and unhealthy food pushing. Fortunately, she’s chosen her health and well-being over this manipulative and abusive piece of shit and is actively working on her exit strategy.
So, yeah, that’s how the abuse plays out.
Another thing, regarding feederism in a BDSM context. In any other scenario, the restraints can come off, or a person can choose to simply give up another’s mental control over them. When the fun is no longer fun, they are free to say see ya on the flip side and walk on out the door and continue with the rest of their life. When their choice to give up power to another peson results in their gaining weight to the point of immobility or poor enough health and mobility that their ability to just walk away and move on is compromised, that is in no way a healthy scenario. I see it as akin to voluntary amputation. Severe damage is done, their body is not the same, and even if they are able to undo the damage, it takes time.
If the person in the power position encourages or allows somebody to no longer be able to function and live independently, then it is an act of abuse. Plain and simple, black and white, no wiggle room.
When you can no longer walk away from it, it ceases to be healthy sexuality and becomes something else.