This isn’t going to be a long blog, just some short statements that hold true for me (hopefully for some of you as well).
A couple of years ago, when I was still running the NJ Bash with my partner, I was going through an agonizing divorce. My life was upside down, I was in therapy, got involved in a relationship that I should have avoided, and ran 3 BBW/FA events during that time. Along with that, I was accused by some of the people who attended these events that I would use the NJ Bash as my “personal dating pool”.
I treated most of these people like family, and treated everyone as if they were my younger brothers & sisters, or in the case of the really younger ones, like my kids. And as in the case of most families, some kicked me in the ass with their comments.
Back in April 2009, I thought about packing it in, and my partner urged me to keep on, since it might help me take my mind off the craziness that had gone on in my life during that time. To a great extent she was correct, and we ran events in April and October of 2009, and again in both March & October of 2010.
Many of the people who attended during that time had little or no idea of what was going on with me personally. And so they bitched an complained about all the typical things that people complain about at these events, like:
1. This creeper is bothering me
2. I need towels
3. The heat in the pool isn’t on
4. Why can’t I pay you later?
5. The webmodel I came to bang is already hooked up with someone.
I took care of all the complaints as best I could, as did my partner. Our events went off without a hitch, and to this day, people tell me that our events were the best they ever attended.
After the October 2010 event, I had resolved to be done in running an planning, and I began to blog publicly about my wanting to take a break from running events and the BBW/FA community in general. One would have thought that I had stabbed everyone in the back, as if I had no right to do this, even though I was going through very personal issues. The questions rolled in, would there be an event in the Spring of 2011? I honestly didn’t know, but saying so put people in a panic.
What the hell were they going to do without the Spring NJ Bash?
For me the question was, what was I going to do with it? The more I thought about it, the more I felt as if many of the people appreciated the event, but not me or my partner, or the work we put into it, and what it cost us personally. At that point the decision became easier, and by June of 2011, I had withdrawn completely. It was the best decision I ever made for me personally.
I spent some time with my dad today at the long term health care facility. He has little time left, as he’s in stage IV of COPD, and his breathing is becoming increasingly labored. I value this time. He and my mom were responsible for raising me for my first 27 years (thanks to an extra couple of years of college), and giving me their love, counsel and education about life. This, just like moving my dad from north to south Jersey a few years ago so I could help him, is my small way of paying him back.
I thought about what my life would have been like watching my father slowly dying if I was still running the NJ Bash, with all of the challenges associated with it, realizing that only a small amount of people actually appreciated our efforts. I know in my heart that nothing is more important than family, and if people can’t understand that, and would rather bitch and moan about missing an event while someone goes through personal issues, than those people aren’t worth my efforts anyway.