Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and upon returning to bed, I took a look at my girlfriend, and noticed how much weight she’d lost since the first time she visited me almost 2 and a half years ago.
I won’t get into all of the numbers, but I will say that her weight loss has been almost 120 pounds.
Now, she didn’t set out to lose weight. What she was looking to do is improve her health, and for her one of the ways to do that was to change some of her eating habits. Those of you who know me know that I have eaten vegetarian for part of my life, but I currently subscribe to what most people refer to as a Mediterranean diet. Well, she’s subscribed to some of my eating habits on her path to health, and the weight loss was a by product of that. It reminded me of my own path to health over the years, as I was a 300 pound teen, and used many temporary solutions to take off pounds. When my own personal realization came years later that my focus should be solely on being as healthy as I could be, the weight also came off as a by product, though it was never my intention. I’ll always be grateful to one of my physicians who pointed that out to me back in 1981, as I was undergoing radiation treatments related to testicular cancer & lymphoma. That conversation changed my life, as his words centered around not being so concerned with outward physical appearance, and treating your body with the reverence that it deserves.
Anyway, back to my point.
This got me to reflect on some of the recent posts I’ve seen by guys who claim to be attracted to women with curves, or BBWs, or fat women, or whatever you want to call them. Let me give you a case in point, this was posted in a forum that I check into every now & then:
Well, my girlfriend(of one year) wants to lose weight and get down to about 120-125(she’s 5’1′) her ‘normal’ weight has been around the 150s for most of her life, and recently when I started going out with her, she gained 30 pounds and went into the 180s. Ok, so I’m most attracted to women in their 170-200s, and I personally feel like my lower limit is 135-140ish.. She knows this, last month I ‘came out’ to her as a FA. Now, here’s my problem… I feel so incredibly shallow. She wants to be in the 120s range(last month ago it was the 130-140s range, but maybe also because it was the same time i ‘came out’) I love her so much, but yet, this is tearing me apart. It’s like there’s the 2 sides of me, the one who is selfless and only wants her to be happy, and the selfish part of me who wants what I want. It’s confusing. I honestly feel that I can’t be attracted to someone that thin, it’s just who I am and my sexual attraction preferences. But it makes me feel so shallow and bleh. I want to find the woman I love attractive in my eyes, which I currently do very much so, even though she’s already lost the 30 pounds she put on and is back in the 150s range, which I still feel very attracted to.
I hate this feeling, I feel so shallow and selfish because I want her to stay at her current weight or gain. She knows I prefer her bigger, but I have not told her about me preferring her to gain.
What proceeded was a very heated discussion about right and wrong, but most of it centered around the feeling that you’re attracted what you’re attracted to, and that it would be easier to end the relationship, rather than deal with the fact that his “loved one” had a body that was going through changes. I asked a few of the guys how they would feel if their girl went the other way, suddenly gaining a significant amount of weight. Each one of them said that would be wonderful, yet when I asked them about guys who shamed wives and girlfriends who went from thin to fat and what they thought of them, to a fault, they all said those guys were assholes, never realizing that they were doing the same thing.
I’m attracted to fat women. Believe me, I get it. It’s part of my makeup, likely in my genes.
I guess where I part ways with the rank and file is with regard to their perception that you lose attraction to someone when their bodies change. I’m not going to take the hard assed approach with guys who feel that way and tell them that they’re shallow and deserve to be hung for feeling the way they do. After all, I’m attracted to the same thing that most guys who frequent these forums & groups are attracted to. And while I could accuse all of you who feel this way of engaging in misogyny, and tell you it’s not YOUR body, so it’s not your right to make demands of who you’re with to change who they are to satisfy your sexual needs, I won’t, even though it’s true. For me, my girlfriend looks as fantastic now as she did 12o pounds heavier, and would look beautiful and sexy at whatever weight she’s at on any given day.
What I will say is this, and it’s from years of experience. Guys, your bodies will go through change, just as mine has done over the years. I lost a significant amount of weight an muscle tone when I was in the midst of my radiation. My body changed drastically. I was engaged to a woman who looked far beyond the changes my body was going through, and loved me and remained attracted to me throughout. As a result, we were married for almost 13 years, and I have a wonderful daughter to show for it.
As I aged, other women who were in my life watched me and my body age, and go through changes as well. I’ve gained and lost weight and muscle tone, my hair went on hiatus years ago. I grew thick hair in my nose and ears. All the women who truly loved me never noticed, and even if they did, they didn’t care.
I learned that they deserved the same from me, especially if they truly loved me.
I think the most important word here is love. Look, lots of guys want to engage in plain old monkey sex, and will do so with as many fat chicks as they can. Make ’em big, huge, thick, pear shaped, big belly……….whatever. If all you’re looking for is just sex, should it matter if whoever you’re sexing up today gains or loses weight a few months down the road?
I hope not, but more important, what about if you take the relationship to the next level, and one or both of you mention the “l” word? Now my friends, you are in a more serious relationship that involves some work on your part. You need to train your mind (and other parts of your anatomy) that both you and your partner’s body will likely go through changes as your relationship progresses. If you’re not emotionally ready to accept that in a long term relationship, you likely shouldn’t be in one, because the minute your “baby” gains or loses weight, and you don’t like it, you’ll be looking elsewhere like many of the “men” who responded in that thread. That isn’t good for a relationship, and if you truly love your woman, your heart will figure out a way to make “things work”. Love’s an amazing thing, if you allow it to take its course.
When I spoke about my doctor’s advice above, I could also apply the same to relationships and how our bodies change. If you really love your woman, treat HER body with the reverence that it deserves as well. Is this a prescription for relationship success? Maybe/maybe not, but at least it involves a mutuality of respect.
Give it a try.