I posted this demotive on my Facebook page a couple of days ago. It was a tongue in cheek message for someone from my distant past who, while we’re not Facebook friends, has friends of hers who check in on me periodically. She’s made some bad decisions with regard to relationships, and I thought I’d get in a little dig.
The social part of the BBW/FA world can be almost incestuous at times…..at the very least most everyone knows who everyone is dating, in a relationship with, having sex with, cheating on.
So, one of my friends (a female) made the following comment about the pic:
(None of this is directed at you, Phil. You are a nice guy. However, I am reallllly tired of guys playing the “nice guy” card, and it happens alllll the time. REAL nice guys don’t have to go around TELLING people they’re nice.)
I happen to agree completely with the last part of her statement. Men (hell, everyone) should let their actions speak as to the depths of their goodness, and not their ability to promote themselves as good guys in conversation, and all over the internet. Despite my (and my friend’s) feelings, guys spend a good portion of their time lamenting how great they are, and how women don’t appreciate them. I think it’s especially pronounced in the fat community, as if fat women should get down on their hands and knees and thank their lucky stars that some guy who doesn’t think he’s a bozo is paying attention to them.
“NICE” is also a subjective thing. You may think you’re a good guy, but it’s always possible that the rest of those around you think you’re an asshole. OR, some may feel you’re horrible, while others may think that Jesus cloned himself. I view myself as me, and let the chips fall where they may. A couple of years ago (and I’ve mentioned this in previous blogs), there was a private group of fat women who used this group to “warn” others of the perils of dating or being involved with certain guys in the community. One of the topics discussed was “Guys who *SEEM* nice, but are really shitty”. My name came up in that thread, as did a few other names I knew. Based on what I’ve said above, I didn’t give the thread much thought, especially since I couldn’t see what was written, since the group excluded men. Interestingly enough, someone who I was involved in years prior came to my defense, despite the fact that our relationship didn’t end well (which was largely my fault).
I don’t need to be considered a good guy by the fat community. I’ve found over the years that the fat community at times can be very demanding, with very little given in return. Every BBW social event that I attended or ran, I did my best to be respectful. In all my dealings with women when I was co running the NJ Bash, I never said anything foul or disrespectful to anyone. Now that in and of itself doesn’t make me a good or bad guy.
The people closest to me are those who I want to be my best for, and again actions speak louder than words.
So, to get back to the pic above, my friend recommended a link that guys should read, and perhaps do a little soul searching after reading it.
The Nice Guy’s Guide to Realizing You’re Not That Nice
Great article, but what does that have to do with women who make poor relationship decisions? More important, what happens to guys who get involved with girls who have made SO many poor relationship decisions in the past that they become cynical of every man they encounter, and become a poor relationship choice for the guy, who spends more time trying to prove he isn’t another in the long list of men who’ve somehow done her wrong?
It seems every day I see a Facebook update from one of my female friends from the fat community lamenting the fact that the latest guy they wee enchanted with stood them up for a date, or that they just found out that the guy they had been seeing for months just hit up a friend of theirs (remember, this IS an incestuous community) for sex, or came on to one of the popular webmodels, or perhaps saw a fake profile on Facebook where ya just know by their writing style that it’s HIM, and he didn’t set up that profile to do the work of Mother Teresa.
One of the points brought up in this discussion involved the laws of attraction:
…..you can’t expect a woman to date a man she’s not attracted to just because he’s a “nice guy.” Come on now. Would you date someone you weren’t at all attracted to? Attraction is a component of infatuation and then love. It becomes less important as love deepens, perhaps, but at least initially it’s a part of the package.
I’ve dated MANY people in my life that I haven’t been attracted to. I’ve been extremely fortunate that my parents emphasized the quality of the person over the quality of the looks. The first girl I ever dated in high school was a BBW, and back then, I still had yet to understand that I liked fat girls, yet asked her out to the freshman dance because she was so cool. We dated for about 6-7 months, and it was the precursor to many of my future relationships. In fact the next girl I dated was only about 100 pounds soaking wet, yet was as fantastic as my first high school crush. And while yes, it’s part of the package initially (for many), I can say from experience that if that’s what you’re doing, you’re selling yourself short, again from experience these people became VERY attractive to me the better I got to know them.
From where I sit, I think that both men and women today want that immediate “honeymoon” and it has to happen with that chemical rush that you get when you first meet a person, and carries through weeks, sometimes months, until you realize that the other person says or does something that ends that honeymoon period, and then you end up dumping them for the next rush that comes along.
Sexual attraction is much more subject to change than what we think. All of us have types that turn us on immediately and intensely. But as I’ve said, attractions can grow. It’s doubtful that you’ll become attracted to someone who perhaps you find revolting in some way. But if someone holds a spark of attraction for you, and has other qualities you love, your attraction can blossom. If you’re meeting someone for the first time, don’t make a snap decision based upon whether you’re instantly attracted on a physical level. If you’re not sure, just keep dating. In time, something fantastic might just happen: He or she may actually become more beautiful to you. And if not, you’ll know that it might just be time to stop dating them.
This brings me to the next topic – friend zoning. For those who aren’t sure of this concept:
In popular culture, the “friend zone” refers to a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person.Once the friend zone is established, it is said to be difficult to move beyond that point in a relationship.
One of my first blogs was called “Why I Dislike the Ducky Dales Of The World”. It was about a guy who was best friends with a girl, but who had ulterior motives. To me, it’s sleazy to not just be honest and ask if anything will ever come of it, in which case the answer is almost always NO.
Think of all the time and sexual politicking that could be saved if everyone’s cards were on the table. Guy could move on to another girl, and the girl, like my friend on Facebook, can move on to guys she’s seriously attracted to, hoping they’re not only sexy, but will treat her well, as tough a roll of the dice as it is.
I was in one of those relationships years ago. I was a Ducky Dale. I had ulterior motives, and the girl just simply wasn’t attracted to me. I’m not even sure if she thought I was a good guy………no matter. BUT, I kept on trying to prove myself, that I wasn’t THOSE guys, that I was better, that I’d treat her better, that I was better in bed, that I would LISTEN to her like no one else, that I’d make her feel special. And she never believed it because every guy she was ever with screwed her better thank a Makita Cordless Drill. It ended up sucking for both of us, and I vowed never to be a Ducky Dale again.
I also vowed never to worry about who thought of me as one of the good guys. Now I just do life, and I’m happy.