Still In The “Dating” Closet??

Well, you won’t be for long, if the person who runs this Tumblr page has their way:

So, before we move along, let’s discuss what a Closet FA is, shall we?

According to the blogger on Tumblr, “the type of fella who dates fat chicks on the down low, never brings us home or around your friends or you’re the type of guy covering his face in the background of bash photos because your thin SO might see”

There are other kinds of closet FAs, like the dude who perhaps makes fat girls his dirty little secret. Yes, he’s attracted to them, but keeps that as quiet as possible. Then there are the guys who will date fat girls, but date thin ones as well, just so to keep things equal, so no one can accuse this guy of liking the unhealthy fat chick.

The focus of this Tumblr page, however, is option number one, the guy who will date a girl by bringing her to a hotel room, will “date” her at a bash, but nowhere else in public, who will have sex with a fat girl, then scurry home to be with his thin wife, fiancee, or girlfriend.

The tag line for this Tumblr page is “Closeted FA got you down? Don’t hate yourself, out the prick.”

Sounds like a great idea, doesn’t it? A bunch of fat women who’ve been jilted by some horrible men who’ve taken advantage of them have a forum where they can discuss what happened, out a guy, and perhaps get some support from the women in the community, who either empathize with the victim, appreciate the tip on said dude, or feel a common bond with their sisters in heart.

In theory, it’s a great idea.

I hate those guys as much as the women in the community do, and here’s why. Every time a guy like that takes advantage of a poor hapless woman, it causes her to put up walls, and makes it near impossible when a good guy actually comes along to get through the wall to see that he is in fact different than all the rest. Again, I see it happen less in “real life”, and more in the BBW/FA social community. I’d like to have each of those guys spend just a few minutes with me, they’d either learn something, or come back bruised. I’ve been in one of those relationships, and it was quite frustrating to me, feeling like I always had to prove myself, that I wasn’t the guy she’d “dated, sexed, called, been disrespected by, and eventually told her that it was all her fault”. I was never able to go from point A to point B.

So, if in theory it seems like such a good idea, is it a good idea in practice? I doubt it, and here’s why.

Within that same social community that exists (The bash/dance crowd), the relationships there are incestuous. Everyone knows everyone. Everyone also knows that a good portion of those people are bat shit crazy. Don’t believe me? Just take a look at a couple of Monique Brown’s blogs. There are some really crazy things that go on within the social circles of the bash/dance crowd, and that is why that life has lost its appeal to me. That, combined with most people in that community disagreeing with my blogs and exposure of what I see is wrong, has caused most of those “friends” to turn away the minute one of my blogs makes them a little (a lot) uncomfortable. Fine, because I sleep much better these days.

Now granted, no one can speak in terms of absolutes as to what goes on within the bash/dance crowd, but even those who frequent events to see friends rather than date would have to be wearing blinders to not see what’s going on over the course of the weekend. The closet FAs often get to these events early, catch the early comers, and bed them down in what must be some safe environment for them, since fat women should be grateful for a shot at a guy like that, right?


But it still goes on, otherwise a blog page outing these kinds of guys wouldn’t exist.

To return to my point, why wouldn’t an “outing” site like this do some good? Well, some of those bat shit women who gave it up voluntarily, erroneously thinking that the guy was going to change his stripes just for her, might just have a few axes to grind. More important, those axes might be extrapolated to other men who had absolutely nothing to do with the douchebaggery that existed that caused said bat shit women to post their grievances.

It can be a lynch mob, I tell ya!!

Well maybe not a lynch mob, but something sort of like it. Groups like this have existed on Facebook before, and virtually every one of them has turned into a gossip fest about this guy, that guy, maybe all guys??? I, along with a couple other men I know were “outed” in a forum as being guys who “seemed” nice, but in real life are shitty. While I know I’m not a saint, some of the men discussed were stellar as supporters of fat women, who weren’t afraid to show their preference, and I do believe for at least a couple of these men, it was revenge for turning a few of the women down. It’s like a game of sexual chess, each move calculated.

Another reason why I believe these groups/pages are doomed to fail is simply because many of the women wouldn’t care about the comments made there. I have a woman friend who a couple of years ago was warned by many via e-mail and private message the violent history of a guy she was planning on getting involved with, but she paid them absolutely no mind, and went on to get beaten on several occasions before she got smart and got out, wishing she’d listen to the unsolicited advice. To me, regardless of whether the outing is private or public, not everyone is going to agree the sky is falling.

Finally, the dynamics of relationships are really between the two people involved, and not what has happened in the past. I know a guy who’s gotten quite a bad rep for being one of those dreaded closet FAs, yet in his current relationship, he’s all but taken out a local billboard to profess his love for the girl he’s with. Go figure.

So, am I saying that any info from these blogs/pages warning about closet FAs be dismissed? Hell no, not at all. What I do advise however, is that you consider all things before you decide to become a guy’s potential “victim/relationship”. First, as in ALL relationships, move slowly and deliberately. Get to know the person first, talk with them online, get hip to triggers that would cause you to think that the guy is in the closet, or might cause you some emotional harm. Just as important, if you’re looking at pages like the “Magic List of Closted Guys Who Like Fat Chicks”, look at the person who’s doing the posting. Does she seem normal? Is her issue with the guy more anger over something different, and it’s just coming out in this fashion? Just keep in mind that one of the reasons many of these groups/pages outlive their useful purpose is because people, both men and women, find it hard to forgive and move on. They’ll take every opportunity to trash the “other” person, including the claim that they aren’t a “good” FA.

From someone I know from another Facebook group that I participate in concerning the same subject:

I just don’t know anybody who has aired their relationship grievances on the internet and hasn’t lived to regret it.


2 thoughts on “Still In The “Dating” Closet??

  1. I have never been to a BBW event here in the UK, however, I have experienced all of the closet FA described above – on more than one occasion!

    I agree though, outing them as such is never going to be productive. Honestly, I believe that these ‘revenge’ sites are tantamount to bullying, why would you want to lower yourself to the mans level?

    I will blog about crappy dates I’ve have but I alway change the guys name and keep a level of anonymity for them. My experiences aren’t there to serve as a ‘warning’ to anyone else, more an amusing review of a crappy situation to help me keep a sense of humour.

    I agree with what you said though, from what I know of the BBW scene the women know the men that are there with crap intentions. If they choose to go with them in hope of changing them then more fool them.

    The trouble with trying to manoeuvre the dating scene as a fatty outside of the folds of the community is that you’re never forewarned.

    I’m sure I’ll get there

    Awesome blog, keep up the good work xx

  2. First Missy, thank you for commenting. As you know, I subscribe to your blog as well, and want to know if you are okay with me providing a link to your blog page in the links section of my blog.

    It’s a tough journey for many of us in this community. When I refer to some of the women as “hapless”, I want to clarify that it isn’t that I think they’re stoopid in any way. I think that many women have a pie in the sky attitude about some FAs and their intentions, and being that naive can only cost them emotionally, and possibly physically as well. Again, while these “outing” sites sound great on paper, I think the more productive advice for those new to the BBW/FA community is to move slow. A man who truly likes you and cares about you will understand. The ones that leave weren’t worth trying to hang onto anyway.

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