Giving Back

A lot of my more recent writings have centered around size acceptance issues, fat prejudice, and hatred that is manifested against the obese.

Some people have asked recently why I’m active in these issues when I’m not fat myself. The easy answer is, because I can, but honestly there’s more to it than that.

I was fat as a kid, fortunately my parents put me in a positive loving environment where any negative comments that were directed at me had little or no effect. I knew at a pretty young age that I found fat women attractive. When I was old enough to date, I dated chubby girls. My first wife was not fat, but thick, especially after my daughter was born. More important, while she wasn’t fat, she was a phenomenal person, and her size and body shape weren’t important to me, though she was stunning.

After we split up in 1994, I began to explore my attraction to larger women. By 1996, I attended my first BBW dance in Mount Laurel, NJ, at a NAAFA dance/mixer. Some people who I’m friends with today were at that event, and likely had no idea I was there. Why? Because I didn’t stay there long……….especially after the fuss over me was made when I came through the door. Now I’m pretty aware that no one is going to mistake me for George Clooney, but I had no idea that I would be made to be uncomfortable with the amount of attention that I was given once I got there. I was truly spooked, and left as soon as I could.

In 1997, I began to research the attraction to fat women online. No, I’m not talking about researching pictures on the net, I already had a pretty good idea of what fat women looked like. I wanted to talk with other guys who were attracted to the same body type (For a while I felt like a freak, thanks to another relationship where my partner had gained a significant amount of weight due to anti depressants, and left saying I was “sick” for finding her larger body attractive). I needed to know I wasn’t alone in my “preference”.

I also wanted to talk with women. Did they enjoy their fat? Did they resent me asking about it? Throughout all of my questioning in fat chat rooms and forums (and in real life), I always did my best to ensure that the person I was talking with wouldn’t be hurt or insulted with my line of questioning. I dated and was involved with several women over the next few years, and eventually found myself getting married to someone who showed me on a daily basis the fat hate and prejudices that exist in the world. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t here a comment under someone’s breath, or end up in an argument with someone over the laughter and negative comments about her appearance. I have a theory that when you love someone and they get hurt, you get hurt as well. In fact, one of the reasons I pioneered the New Jersey BBW Bash is because of an incident that took place at the Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, when a bunch of skinny girls were making fun of my wife on the dance floor. We were just trying to have a good time, and she began to cry when she saw these other girls ridiculing her. I promised her a place where she could dance freely without worry of ridicule, and the NJ BBW Bash was born less than a year later.

Though that marriage has ended as well, I’m with a fantastic girl who just happens to be fat. Again, I see the hate and prejudice that takes place in her life. I wrote a blog recently about an experience of hers at the hands of a hospital nurse, and how I got involved in addressing the problem (See “I’ve Made My Decision” and “I’ve Made My Decision Update”).

There are a lot of young guys entering the BBW/FA community because of their attraction to fat women.  That attraction is sexual in nature (duh……), but for me, along with the attraction goes some responsibility.  Honestly, while attraction to fat women is strong, there’s more to it for me than just the sex.  I recently posted this in a forum that glorifies fat women, mostly through the worship of paysite models who are fat.  The guys in the forum fawn all over these girls like the even have a chance to bed them down, which we all know isn’t likely to happen.  The problem, in my opinion, is that these guys have no idea what goes on in the lives of these same girls when the cameras are turned off, nor do they care.  That’s dangerous, simply because it removes the humanity of the person in question.  Here’s what I said in that forum:

There’s nothing wrong with being on the Paysite Board, and participating, I did it myself back in the day. Quite honestly, the people who peruse the pron boards anonymously would likely not want to post in the Main Board, since they probably don’t care about size acceptance, and aren’t likely to post anywhere else, since they’re probably anti social, or want to remain anonymous. They have nothing to contribute anyway, as far as I’m concerned.

I’m as human as any other guy here, I came for the pretty girls, but I’m not into variety, so when I’ve been involved with women in my life, it seemed senseless to go there. I have/had many paysite girls as friends over the years, and many of them feel like family to me, so it started to get gross if I went and looked at their updates.

I got more involved in size acceptance when I saw what the people that I loved went through on a daily basis, so today my emphasis is less on the sex and more on fat rights/size acceptance. It’s like going to a party because they’re serving free beer, then deciding to stay and help clean up because you feel like you owe them.

Guys who post nowhere but the Paysite Forum are truly missing out on the full FA experience, and they do themselves a disservice by doing so. Additionally, because their experience is so narrow, when they take it to relationships, they end up hurting women in the process, which causes many of the ladies to stereotype the FAs based on their experience. How fair is that to anyone?

When I was still involved in the NJ BBW Bash, I wanted to conduct a round table discussion for FAs about how to approach fat women, what NOT to say, things like that. One of my good friends who’s also a FA messaged me and said it was a great idea, but the problem was that the guys who needed this discussion most wouldn’t show up, because they’d be in the lobby of the hotel trolling for fatties.

So for you kids that are entering the community who are here to just get laid by a fat girl, if you can find one who is also looking for just sex, that’s good, but don’t you think there’s more to it than that?  Do you think about all the prejudice and hatred she hears from people when she’s NOT at a BBW dance or weekend event?  Do you think about what her life as a fat woman is like?   Do you think about where she has to buy her clothes?  Do you think about where she’s going to sit when you take her to dinner?  Do you think?

Give back, learn about what’s important in the fat community, and get involved.  You are getting sex, after all…………………….and don’t think reading Big Big Love is doing your part for fat/size acceptance.


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