Several years ago, I attended a BBW event in the Northeast. I was with my wife at this event, and we both had a chance to meet a girl who we both thought was awesome. So nice in fact, that I even mentioned some really positive stuff about her in a forum that we were all active in at the time. We were always friendly over the passing years, though we didn’t see each other at any other events during that time. She got married to a guy she met at one of the dances in early 2008. My wife and I were both happy for her, as it seemed she had found true love.
Fast forward a year, and for those of you who read my blogs, my wife moved out in July of 2009, and I was devastated. I had a few good friends who helped me through a very difficult time in my life, and my theory has always been to “pay it forward”. Those of you who know me well know that I take a genuine interest in the lives of my friends, and a concern for their well being.
Apparently for my friend, true love didn’t last either, as in the early part of 2010, her spouse announced that he was no longer happy in the relationship, and wanted out. Guys typically want out when something else or someone else is going on, and that ended up being the case. She was devastated as well, and contacted me on Facebook, since we had the breakups in common. After a series of messages passed between us where she described her emotional situation, I offered advice which I hoped would be useful to her, especially since I had been through it in the previous year. I also told her to remind her soon to be ex that I was friends with BOTH of them, and if he needed to talk, I would be there for him as well. Again, my hope for those in my life are to be at peace, and while I wasn’t at peace in my own life, I’ve always been told that my advice is typically based on common sense, so I did my best to help her out over the five months after she first spoke with me about it.
So here I was in August, planning what I knew in the back of my mind was going to be my swan song in running the New Jersey Bash in October of 2010. I was actually surprised and happy to see that my friend had posted that she was going to be there, as it indicated that she might be moving past the turmoil of her cheating spouse and losing her marriage. I shot her a note, and she sent one right back saying she was 99% sure she’d make it to my event.
Here’s what she said to me in her message:
Thanks again for being such a great friend through all of this – I just can’t express enough how great it has been to be able to bounce my crazy thoughts off of someone who gets it. Looking forward to seeing you in about two months!
Several weeks later, I ended up in the hospital with a bilateral pulmonary embolism, and spent nearly a week in the hospital as a result. I had my blackberry with me, and sent several messages to her, telling her what happened to me, and just reaffirming that she’d be at the bash in October. I heard nothing back from her.
My last NJ Bash was in October of 2010, and she didn’t attend, or take a minute to write me a note explaining that she wasn’t coming. I was hurt, I had over 5 months of correspondence giving her advice, and I couldn’t even get a message telling me to shove it, that she wasn’t coming. Did someone tell her something bad about me? Did I say something to make her feel uncomfortable? Did she think I was looking for more than a friendship? Or was she just one of those people who need you for what you can do to help them, and then move on with no more than a word to you?
There are times in your life when you will never find out the reasons for why relationships end, whether they are business related, friendships, or romantic ones. You have to make yourself good with that somehow. That’s part of the advice that I gave her when her breakup occurred, and she had difficulty understanding the infidelity. It’s good advice, and while it always leaves unanswered questions, it allows you to move on peacefully.
A while ago, another good friend of mine (who I’ve also hopefully helped in the past) send me a note that I want to share here. I think it’s called “A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime”. This note helped me reconcile what happened with my friend that disappeared. Give it a read.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need
you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with
guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire
fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other
relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being a part of my life,
whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.