I never said I was perfect…………….
So, in writing these blogs, I invite comments from my friends on Facebook, whether those comments express agreement or disagreement with what I write. I was recently challenged by someone to stop my finger pointing at BBW’s and FA’s, and to look at my own shortcomings. Essentially, looking to find fault in others is not always the best way to fix ourselves.
I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years now. I know the issues I have to address. I work on them daily. I read, think, and pray, which all work towards a goal of inner peace. I’m more than happy to acknowledge the issues that keep me in therapy, and I’ll share them with you here. That said, recognizing who is responsible for what (meaning finding fault in others) can be theraputic, provided one acknowledges their own issues in the process. It’s an assignment of blame for things.
SO, here are my issues.
1. I’ve made some bad relationship choices over the years. I tend to find women who are very needy, and I take care of them until they don’t “need” me anymore, and when they’re done with me, they dump me, and then I hit the rewind button over and over, trying to figure out what I did wrong, when the smart thing to do is realize those relationships at the front end, and get out of them before they become hurtful. THIS is the single most important issue that I have to address, as it will always end for me in a world of pain. Part of the solution to this is to move a bit slower in relationships so objectivity can be kept. I’m fortunate to have Lissa in my life, she refuses to allow me to take care of her, meaning the relationship I have with her stands on its own merits, and not one what I do for her, or vice versa.
2. I have a really bad temper, one that gets tried on a daily basis. Anyone who has ridden with me knows about my temper. A couple of years ago, several family friends saw me come home after work, and go off on my ex. They were horrified. Now, why they didn’t know all the background (one has mentioned that she understands now, and would have been equally fired up), the point is, no one deserves to be yelled at. It wouldn’t have been a big deal if it was just one or two isolated incidents. My temper hat gets worn a lot. Part of my therapy is learning to understand my real feelings. Often my temper resulted from hurt, and I’d act angry rather than express how hurt I was. It’s easy to say that it’s a “guy” thing, but it’s an inability to express one’s feelings correctly. This is something that has to be worked on daily, otherwise it’s easy to fall into bad habits……….I try.
3. I tend to be passive/aggressive in my romantic relationships, which is directly related to my nurturing qualities, which again would be less of a problem if I recognized the “takers” who are only there for the ride. By being passive/aggressive, it’s easy to become frustrated and angry when things don’t go your way. So, some of my focus has been on becoming more assertive when I feel that something isn’t in my best interests. Instead of “letting it go”, only to get upset later, I voice my opinion at the front end now.
4. I have a strong tendency to debate, to play devil’s advocate, especially on issues that I have a strong moral stand on. For many people, that “fight to the death” attitude seems overbearing. I am learning, albeit slowly, to walk away from some arguments. It’s hard to do, but I’m learning.
There are more, but these tend to be the things where I’ve put the most effort. I’ve been told that I have low self esteem, and that these blogs are intended to take focus away from my own issues, and project them on others. I have to tell you I think it’s just the opposite. My self esteem has always been good. I write my blogs not to make the BBWs and FAs who read them feel crappy. It’s just the opposite. There’s a lot of insanity that goes on in the BBW/FA social circles. I point these things out in an effort to focus attention on them, so those issues can be addressed, much like therapy.
If you can’t see it, you can’t fix it.
I’ve been told there’s some “armchair psychology” in my writings. I don’t know if that’s true. While I’m not a psychologist, I did minor in it at Montclair U. More important, I’ve been an active participant in the BBW/FA community for a long time now, and think I’ve been able to make some observations about some of the things that I feel need to be addressed.
People outside the community are beginning to recognize fat people. More BBWs and FAs are showing up in the media. I think these are baby steps towards fat activism and acceptance. Before that can happen however, we need to address our own issues. If you knew HGTV was coming over to do a story about your home, you’d sure as hell clean it up before they came over.
I’m cleaning my home up now, taking care of my personal issues, and while I’m not going to point the finger at any one person, I do think as a community we need to clean up as well, since there are things that people who aren’t part of this social group would thumb their noses down at, slowing down the fat rights/acceptance movement.
Conduct yourselves accordingly. I’m doing my best.