Love, and the “Situation”

“You either love or you hate. You live in the middle, you get nothing.
Charlie Sheen

Just goes to show that even a broken watch is right a couple of times a day.
I was lucky growing up, inasmuch as my parents were in love with each other.  Were there problems during their marriage?  Of course.  At the end of the day, however, they were committed to each other, and the one constant for them was that no matter what happened during the course of the day, that the other person knew in their heart that they were loved by the other.  Both mom and dad went through many physical and emotional changes over the years, but they always stuck by each other through those changes.

As I got older, I began to date, and while my testosterone levels may have been higher compared to what they are now, I only had 4 girlfriends from about 16 until I married my first wife Susan at 27.  I didn’t cheat on any of them, and wasn’t looking for a medal for that, since fidelity was expected.

I married my first wife in 1982, and we were together until 1994.  During that time, I ended up hospitalized with testicular cancer, and later lymphoma.  After undergoing 38 radiation treatments and several spinal taps and bone marrow biopsies, the physical changes in me were obvious.  I lost most of my hair (I never got the chance to say goodbye), and my body went from a lean, runner’s body (as I used to run 5 miles a day, 4 times a week) to a softer, non muscular body.  My wife Susan was with me through thick and thin (and bald and less muscular), as she was raised the same way I was.  For her, love meant being with each other through any and all changes in our lives.  While we ultimately ended in divorce, our issues were all financially related, and had nothing to do with either one of us going through changes that the other one couldn’t or wouldn’t support.

So in 1995, I began to date again, and as a newly single guy who had just hit “middle age”, what did I choose to do?  I looked for someone who wanted to be in a mature relationship, who valued love and would be with me through all of my/her/our changes.  Seemed reasonable to me.  I began to date, and quickly got involved with Diane, who spent 2 years with me.  Diane wasn’t a BBW.  In fact, Diane was 96 pounds and wore a size ZERO.  While I knew my entire life that I liked the soft look of a larger girl, I was attracted to Diane for many reasons.  I consider myself pansizual, and while I have been in the arena of BBW’s since 1997, to this day I would have NO issue being involved in a relationship with someone who was thin, provided that she was phenomenal enough to be in a relationship with me.

One of my concerns in the fat community today is the guy who laments that his girlfriend/wife/fiance wants to lose weight, and they feel like their relationship will have to end if that happens.  Thinking back to how I was raised, I can’t relate to that at all.  After all, the women in my life have all stayed with me during those physical and emotional changes that have taken place in my life, so why would I not want to do the same?


We have initial laws of attraction, what gets the juices flowing, and gets us to walk up to someone and chat, and ask them out and date them, and find out more about them, and then decide if we want to have more of this person in our lives.  My issue is that many people never get by the initial attraction.  That isn’t to say that the attraction is wrong, as that’s the first thing that gets any of us together.  Sex is great, but great sex is sex when 2 people love each other, and commit to showing that other person via sexual intimacy how they feel about each other.

Unfortunately, for many in the BBW/FA community, that concept is foreign, and the focus is just on the initial attraction and the sex act.  Both sexes do it, and if the goal is to sexually satisfy yourself, and the other person feels the same way, it’s difficult to find fault with that, even though it’s not my dance.  The problem arises when one person has a different expectation from the sex act, and finds out after the fact that the other person’s expectation/goal wasn’t the same.  That’s tough to deal with, but it could be avoided if one waited long enough before jumping right to it, and discovering what the other person was all about before it became costly for them, emotionally, physically or even financially.


So let’s get back to the guy lamenting that his significant other wants to get “SKINNY” (which often translates to losing 20 lbs in an effort to physically feel a little better, or get away from having custom clothes made).

I’ve seen countless posts in different forums over the years with guys literally agonizing over their “problem”, and seeking help from the equally relationship inept FA’s who come back with such profound advice like:

1.  Don’t worry, dude!!  She’ll probaly gain most of the weight back anyway!
2.  Maybe you can secretly add calories to her food and sabotage her weight loss.
3.  Tell her that she’s let you down, and that this is a relationship deal breaker.

There are many more of these completely ridiculous responses, but these are the most oft quoted ones, and the issue that I have ist that they conflict with the way I was raised in terms of what love was about.  If I go through physical changes, and the love of my life can find it in herself to stay with me because of who I am, then why would I be so shallow as to get up and go just because the person I supposedly love wants to make a physical change in her life?

For many of these guys, I think the answer is obvious.  It’s SOLELY about the attraction, pure and simple.  Many of these guys wax on about agonizing over leaving their women in situations like this, but it’s really bullshit.

Case in point.  Years ago, I met a guy at a bash who came to the event on Friday while his wife worked and ended up having sex with a SSBBW webmodel, only to drive home the next morning to pick his wife up for the rest of the weekend.  Just plain old asshattery?  One would likely say yes, except for the fact that this guy’s now ex was very unhappy at her weight and was making an effort to LOSE (heaven forbid), and he felt like he had been betrayed by her because of it.  Where ‘s the love?

Oh yeah, it was in room 318 at the hotel.

I often wish their was a manual for new FA’s entering the community, where the emphasis was on HOW NOT TO BE, and then explaining what’s important if you like fat women.  The challenge with that however, is that the guys who need that manual most would be the least likely to read it.

I can dream, though……….


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