A season of discontent


So, on October 2nd of this year, the New Jersey BBW Bash ended.  The ride home was excruciating, not so much because of the physical exhaustion of the weekend, coupled with my physical recovery from the pulmonary embolism that put me in the hospital in late August.

No, the ride was that way because I began to reflect on my 14+ years actively participating in the BBW/FA community.  It wasn’t pretty.

I remember my first BBW event.  It was a NAAFA dance in Mount Laurel, NJ in late 1996.  While it was a bit intimidating for me at the time, I reveled in all the beauty in the room.  I had recently come from a relationship that ended poorly, and attending this event for the first time caused me to realize that my preference for fat women was real, now I just needed to figure out what to do with it.

I spent the next few years in forums like Dimensions, Bulge and others supported by Yahoo and AOL.  There was lots of dialogue with both men and women.  I wanted to better understand my preference, the ideas of others, and the boards were fresh with discussion and ideas shared by all.

I dated within the community almost immediately, and just as quickly, I screwed things up.  I hurt some people as I traveled this “FA journey”.  That’s the one part that I’m not proud of, although it feels good to know that some people I hurt were able to return as friends.  In mid 2001, I met my second wife, and we were married in 2002, and I stopped actively participating in the community for several years.

One night, we decided to head to Atlantic City to dance at the Casbah, at the Taj Mahal.  We were having a great time until my wife out of nowhere began to cry.  When I asked her what was wrong, she told me some skinny girls across from us were making fun of the size of her ass.  I walked over to those girls and told them I’d step over every one of them to be with my wife, and flipped them the bird.  I promised my wife that someday she’d be able to dance and do other fun things without anyone making fun of her or judging.  A year later (2007), we had our first NJ BBW Bash, and the rest is history.

Also of note is that my marriage is history, ended when the infidelity so common in this community reared its head.  My wife left in July of 2009, and the time since has taught me much.

I will be writing more blogs about what I see within the BBW/FA community, but this blog is written more to show the readers where my perspective comes from.

Let’s face it, the fundamental thrust of the BBW/FA relationship is the attraction.  One person has to be fat, the other has to be attracted to fat people.  It’s a pretty simple equation, really.  It’s pretty safe to say that almost ALL relationships have to be based on a physical attraction.

It seems to me, however, that the physical attraction in most BBW/FA relationships seems to be at times the sole driving force behind those relationships, as if nothing else can exist without it.  I’ve often espoused the thought that in my relationships, we all change physically over time.  I’ve found that most women, when they love the person they’re involved with, look well beyond those physical changes, and look at how that person makes them feel.  In other words, love takes over and everything else takes a back seat.  Most guys tend to be just the opposite, hung up on the physical, so when their “loved one” changes physically, even in the smallest way, they hit the road, looking for the next physical rush.

That’s part of the problem, if not most of it.  Guys look for so much physical attraction and satisfaction that there’s little fidelity within the community.  They chat, they sex, they leave.  Yeah, I know women who are like that too, but that will be for another blog.  The “chat/sex/leave” syndrome screws good women up.  It plays on their emotions, and eventually many of them become cynical, even of the guy who may have the most honest of intentions.  It’s like a virus, the bad guys screw up the good women, who then begin to mistrust ALL men, and when a guy tries to break through the walls, ends up getting hurt so bad himself, that he runs the risk of becoming the cynic himself, and hurting the next person he’s involved with.  We all know who this happens to, since this is such a closed, almost incestuous community at times.  We watch others break down, act like they are “so over it”, then sabotage the next relationship and the other person in it because they haven’t taken the time to “fix themselves” so that doesn’t happen.

I see examples of this not only at the events I run, but all over the community.  I see guys showing up at dances and bashes, chatting some unsuspecting wide eyed girl up, who’s at her first event and thrilled to get all of the attention.  Then I see those guys sneaking out of the hotel at 4 in the morning, leaving the girl crying, wondering what the hell happened.  Yeah, yeah, I know that not all of the girls are rookies at these events, but I believe that this type of situation is so common in starting the cycle of the fat girl getting attention and giving it all away for whatever attention they can get.

I feel that over the past 4+ years that we’ve run the bash, I’ve had a much harder time relating to the FA’s than I did 14 years ago.  Back then, we discussed fat related issues, and while we would also talk about who the hottest girl in Dims was at the time, we (mostly) treated the women with respect.  Again, more of a sense of community.  With the growth of the internet, many people have come online who shouldn’t even own a fucking computer.  Somehow they feel safe and will say things to women and other FA’s from the privacy of their keyboard.  They send mass e-mails and messages to women, betting the laws of averages that some BBW with low self esteem who craves attention will engage them in dialogue, which will ultimately lead to getting laid……….and the guy then leaves.

There’s been a proliferation of those guys in the community, and the cynicism of the women has now reached epic proportions.  Go to Plenty Of Fish or BBW Datefinder, and you’ll see how many ads say “are there any real men out there?”  Do they just say that without some bad experience that brought them to that point?  Get real……….

So this blog/rant is not about me dating or not dating.  It’s about why I’ve grown frustrated with a group of people that I’ve felt were like family to me over the past 14 years.  During the times I was married, or involved in a relationship, I NEVER came on to another woman, out of respect for who I was with.  My theory always has been that if a relationship is that bad, don’t make it worse by cheating, just get the hell out of the relationship.  I’m proud of how I’ve been within this community.  Being older than most of the women, feeling like many of you are like family, and because of my visibility within the community (running the Bash), I would never overstep boundaries.

Yet, despite holding on to my personal core values, and morality, this past year I became a subject of discussion in a private BBW group on Facebook that discusses guys who other BBW’s should be careful about dating.  The title of the thread was “Good Guys that are really SHITTY”, as if the way I’ve conducted myself over the past 14 years was a lie to everyone, like I’m really different once you get to know me better.  My name came up through a “friend” who accused me of doing things that I didn’t do.  Interestingly enough, one of the people who came to my defense was a woman I hurt in a relationship years ago, who has seen my personal growth as a person, as well as a FA.

That’s just one example of many shots that have been taken at me over the past couple of years.  I’m tired of it.  After considerable discussion with my therapist, I proposed that I take a few months away from actively participating in the community.  So from the week after the bash until now, I’ve refrained (and will continue) from posting in forums and on message boards involving the BBW/FA community.  It’s a season of discontent, and I want to process my thoughts before I decide whether to remain in this constantly evolving community of people, an evolution whose direction I seem to be at odds with these days.

I’ll have lots more to say soon………………


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